Changing the name of my blog

Thinking of changing the name to "Don't Read If You Don't Really Want to Know My Thoughts". I loved coming on here and just writing whatever came to mind but now I guess I can't have that either. I don't mean to offend or hurt feelings. I just wanted to vent, and if it popped in my head then I wrote it down. So to you, I am sorry you ever looked for what I really thought. I tried to soften the blow but I guess that wasn't what you wanted. I didn't want to come right out and say things that I knew would hurt. Why is it wrong of me for not waving it in your face? I wanted to be friends and still get along but what?, you had to find a reason to hate me? If you really want them I got lots. He doesn't need anyone to show him or tell him about what I feel because he knows from my mouth. He loves and adores me and I love and adore him.

Oh how things can change so fast!

Haven't been on here in a while, and boy life has changed. I finally ended it for good with the dude who lived in my house. lol But right b4 he moved out a close friend of mine came over with her brother. I thought this guy was good looking but did not see me liking him. Well then he starts hanging out more and more often, and I blinked and though "holy shit! he likes me". At first I was amused but figured I was just gonna end up being a piece of ass. Guess i was wrong. I didn't want to be with anyone. I wanted to be left alone for a while. Before mr. last guy I hadn't dated in almost 2 years. He made me stop after kissing. And still keeps calling and coming to just hang out with me and do nice things for me. I think maybe I should put more time between one guy and another, but he makes me feel so special. I haven't felt that in a long time. Anywho....onto the child part. My son got in big big trouble at school again :( He had been previously diagnosed with all sorts of fun stuff but the most important was pervasive developmental disorder ( an autism spectrum disorder). I want so bad to not believe them. He seems fine at home but as soon as he gets to school he can't seem to get along with the other kids or teachers. So to go to school they want him medicated again. I tried this previously to no avail. I have an appt with the doc's o the 4th so we'll see what this one has to say. Keep ya posted.

Oh, I dread the nights

Sitting here in bed next to a man I don't even want to be living with. Why did I let it get here? I knew I should have made my self more clear, but I feel sorry because he's a good person. He hasn't done anything to me. I thought you fell in love and stayed there, I never even imagined the thought of just falling out of it. But he doesn't want to leave, says he'll do anything to make it work and is now down right kissing my ass....why? All it does is make it worse. I want to be alone. Just alone. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to be in a "better" relationship, just by myself with my son. Growing up I never wanted to get married. I wanted college, child, career. Thats it, never even took into consideration a man for that whole scenario. Maybe its because I chased. He wouldn't even look my way at first and in that instant I wanted him. But now I got him and its, its just...irritating. I'm irritated all the time! God, I hate that feeling! Like I have pms 24/7. A friend of mine gave me a valium to try and let me tell you...the only good day I had in a long time. Only problem is when I got home from work I still didn't want to see him. But I don't think I should be on medication just so I can live with a person. Should I?

Love me some Ativan

I thought I wanted to get remarried, I thought I might want to have another kid. I thought this was supposed to be easier. You fall in love, you get married, you have a happy family? Wouldn't that be nice. So what do you do when you don't want to be touched by them, or go home to them, or even speak to them? Is that what love is? This shitty feeling that I'm not good enough, I'm too much of a freak in bed for him? I'm so lost and confused. I can't stand being around him a lot of the time, I'm embarrassed to hang out with him with my friends. But I think I still love him. More later...being summoned.

What we take for granted

You wake up each morning and just know certain things. You know you have to eat breakfast, you know you have to shower for work, and you know that your son is there to greet you with a hug. One of my closest friends will never have that again and it makes me realize how much I take for granted that simple hug, or an I love you Mom. What if one day you never saw them again. I wouldn't know what I would do. How do people get through these things and as a friend what can I do for her. I wish I could bring him back home to her, to make her smile again, even just for one last hug and an I love you Mom. I love you Bobbie!

Venting

Ok, so I'm just gonna vent for a few since I have no need to watch my words, or mind who's around when I'm on here. My son has a non existent sperm donor. We separated when he was only a year old and he hasn't tried at all to be in his life. I've driven 10 hours to meet him for him to not show up, I never deny him visitation, and would like for him to be in my son's life. I learned from my parents to not talk smack about him to my son, because god knows the complex that gave me as a child. He claims to love him yet seems just to call at 1 in the morning drunk off his ass and doesn't even ask about him. So, anyway, today I get a letter in the mail that the courts in his state think that his child support payment should be $56 a month!!! He doesn't have to pay for the last 10 years of his life either. I filed the claim 9 years ago. How is this right? The kicker was that the monthly portion for health care is $2. I pay almost $400 a month for medical coverage and his portion is $2? Wtf is that gonna do for him? Buy a toothbrush? Sometimes I think I shouldn't of even put his name on the birth certificate. I so wanted to have a cookie cutter family, and yea, I was really wrong. I am pretty happy with my life right now except for those moments when he calls or I get a court letter and it brings all my feelings back to the surface. I just want for my son to have good relationships. Thanks for listening.

I'm a posting virgin. lol

Besides posting an update or 2 on facebook, this is my first official blog posting. So, to start, I will give you some background on myself. I'm 29, just turned in April. I'm a female, though sometimes I wish not. I have a 10yr old, whose going to be starting 5th grade this September. I work at a furniture store. Everyday there is a new adventure in realizing how people don't appreciate others who are in service jobs. This blog will probably just be my way of venting when all of the people in my world piss me off or if I just think of something witty to say. Talk to you soon.